Today was Beck's doctor's appointment. This morning I was a wreck. I had a full on sob fest in the shower while trying to get ready for the day. I didn't know how I'd cope with having an other child with this disease. I didn't know what to do. The prayer I wanted to pray (and prayed anyway, even though I shouldn't try to boss God around) was something like this.
"Please help me. I can't take any more bad news. I can't bear it. Please have Beck be OK. At least right now, just let him be OK."
But I know better. That prayer is not me following God's plan for me, that's me begging Him to follow my plan. So I tried to pray this prayer instead.
"I know that You know our journeys perfectly and that the trials we face are part of the perfect journey that will bring us closer to You. Please give me strength to deal with the news, if Beck has the Macular Dystrophy, too. You know I've had a lot of bad news this week. Please give me Your strength to get through this."
Wendell, to my surprise and delight, accompanied me to this doctor's appointment, taking almost two hours off from work. He wanted to be there if there was more bad news. He knew I could use the moral support.
When we got in, they dilated Beck's eyes. He wasn't a fan of the eye drops, but he did like the slinky and sticker that he got for getting through that part. His eyes dilated quickly. Dr. Lloyd accompanied us in for the scan. He explained that it was unlikely that a three-year-old could hold still enough to get a great scan. But if he could observe the scan, he would be able to detect more easily if there were problems.
Sweet little Beck wanted so much to do what he was asked, but had no idea what to do. At one point the technician told Beck to open wide and he opened his mouth as wide as he could while still keeping his chin in the chin rest. It was a needed moment of comic relief. She scanned Beck's right eye first. After doing the scan twice, for optimal results, Dr. Lloyd said the words I was longing for.
"That eye looks great."
We gave Beck a little break and I demonstrated for him how to open his eyes wide. He got the idea and the scan on his left eye was even easier. The verdict was the same--Beck's eyes have no fluid under the retina's right now. I was giddy after getting the news. Elated. We have two kids that are OK!
I blurted the news out to Wendell as soon as I walked in the room. Dr. Lloyd donned a "hat" that looks like he's going spelunking and checked Beck's eye with a little mirror thing. Beck held impossibly still. Leaning on me as he sat on my lap, he tried to do what the doctor asked if he could figure it out.
"Your kids are so good," Mike said. "And from someone who sees a lot of kids... I know."
I appreciated the compliment, although a lot of that is just in their natures. They inherently want to obey--all of them.
Beck got an official all clear and I set appointments for Beck and Anson for 6 months. If they do start to get fluid under their retinas, we're going to catch it early.
This has been and will be a whale of a roller coaster ride, but for today I am just grateful.
President Monson said it this way, "We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. ...[But] regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings."