As I approach the end of the pregnancy, I approach the end of having pregnancies. This is it. The end. We will have 5 kids. Actually, this is about 1 more than I've pictured myself having so it shouldn't be such a big deal to make The Decision.
Yet, I wish that I was 10 years older. Not that I want to be pregnant at 41, that's not what I'm saying. I just wish that it were 10 years from now and I could say to myself, "Look, you have 5 great kids. Your youngest is 10. You've got arthritis that you've been treating for 31 years. You're done." I think that that would be natural and easier. (Although, friends of mine in their 40's have mentioned that it was still a tough decision to be Done. Permanently.)
Really, I feel good about it spiritually. But just the thought that we will never pray about another child, that we will never accidentally get pregnant, saddens me as much as it thrills me.
I have a great case for being done. My doctors have told me that there is a 1/7 chance of dieing if I try for a 6th C-section. My chance of uterine rupture on a 6th section is 16%. And I have arthritis. And I'm not getting younger. And I'm uber fertile. It seems sometimes that Wendell has but to look crosswise at me and I'm pregnant again. "You definitely fit in the Fertile Myrtle category," my OB affirmed. So, unless we make it permanently the end, I always run the risk of getting pregnant. (I was on B/C pills and nursing when we got pregnant with this one.)
And when I look at the pros and cons this way: Pros--living, Cons--dieing, etc. It seems obvious that Wendell and I are making the right choice. It's just not an easy choice.