Friday, April 13, 2007

On Tuesday I Laughed on Wednesday I Cried

On Tuesday, I laughed when I found out I was pregnant again. I laughed and I chortled. I snorted, guffawed and giggled. I called my best friend Emma and we laughed at me. I told my rheumatologist, who threw back his head and laughed. Tuesday was jolly good.

By Tuesday night the reality was setting in. I was pregnant. I had to go through a pregnancy again. In no time, I'll be throwing up. I'll have heartburn, get huge and have trouble sleeping. I'll be exhausted all the time. Granted it doesn't last very long, but it's no picnic either.

And I just did all that. Just. My baby is one and has been weaned for less than 2 weeks. I was looking forward to having my body back. Not having anyone dependent on my physical body. So I cried.

I cried a lot on Wednesday. I called my mom and told her I was pregnant and cried. I told Wendell I needed a day to morn the loss of expectations. It's not that we don't want this baby or aren't excited. It's just that the rest of 2007 is going to be so much different than I pictured it.

The gardening I wanted to do, I may not be up to. The volunteering I was going to do over the next 3 years will be harder to do with 2 little ones in tow, than it would have with one. We have a 5 bedroom house and when this baby arrives, it means that someone will always have to share a bedroom. Silly reasons, petty reasons to be sad, but I had to take a day to adjust to the shock and create a new picture in my brain.

I didn't cry at all yesterday and at bedtime Wendell and I talked about baby names and whether we think this is a boy or a girl. (I think it's a boy. Wendell thinks it's a girl.) I'm looking forward to telling the kids after my first doctors appointment. They are going to shout and clap and jump up and down. They'll pitch in like good little helpers. It will be joyous indeed.

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